I worked on a relationship agreement with my partner after a certain series of events. Our decisions seemed as if we were both deviating from our common value system, because we wanted to show ourselves in this unique “style of love”. And today, our “manifesto” gives us a compass to navigate our unexplored waters while ensuring that our boat of love remains intact. Lately, I`ve had a lot of questions about my lifestyle. This led me to start this series, which is about being self-employed, living the van life, and practicing polyamory, among other things. Sometimes existing agreements limit what you offer to a newer partner. If their needs and limitations mean that in order to hit them where they are, they have to compromise or you have to change your existing situation, this conversation doesn`t just affect the dyad. It can include all those affected directly or indirectly (relying on, bringing opinions in both directions, for partners who do not want to talk to a metalove with whom they may not be close enough to directly discuss issues at risk), but a conversation about changing or maintaining existing rules that, in one way or another, do not include the affected parties, is unethical. especially if the existing hierarchy was not specified from the beginning. “Hello Marianna! What are some of the core values, principles and understandings that you have in your relationship that have been helpful in making this work? I`m starting my own polyamorous relationship and I`d like to know what works for you! I will not make hasty decisions regarding existing relationships while I am in the NRE/Limerence period that may have been affected by this. As an indication, I usually define this as six months. We understand that these relationship agreements do not include all of them, and we may enter into verbal agreements in addition to these final outcomes.
Dyadic relationships may negotiate additional agreements and/or specific short-term (temporary) agreements beyond what is listed here. I won`t work on another person`s problems for her, even if it affects my relationship with her, and I expect her to work on her own problems to maintain the relationship. I can help in a way that doesn`t cause me undue harm or stress. If you can`t stick to an agreement, discuss it responsibly with your partners BEFORE breaking it. Due to unforeseen circumstances, oversights, misunderstandings, if an agreement is broken, we will accept a clarifying conversation as soon as possible. The intention of the clarifying conversation is to practice empathy and forgiveness and return to the integrity of the relationship. If you are not sure of your limits or your end result, you are on the right side and communicate, communicate, communicate. Let your partner know if: A condom slips Someone you see is pregnant A STD is married, you are interested in starting a new relationship. You`re having sex with someone new Someone`s sexual safety policies have changed. Someone is in career transition.
Or the relational transition. When you are jealous. If you have feelings of rejection/injury/loss. When drugs are used (what type and how often?) All new experiences with Kink and/or BDSM Share attractions, curiosities, interests and fantasies as they arise. Do not sleep with someone who is married unless their partners are in full consent. #1: Everyone is looking for different things in polyamory. For some, it`s a way to fill in some of the gaps they have in their existing relationships (such as lack of attention or sexual compatibility). For others, it`s about exploration and new connections. For me, it`s all about freedom. Before I dive into the agreements my relationships have made, I need you to understand this: the basis of my relationships is freedom. This is not to say that there is no obligation, there are many. But that means we try to avoid unnecessary restrictions.
If you`re starting out in a polyamorous or open relationship (damn, if you`re starting in any type of relationship), the best thing I`d advise you to stop assuming you`re on the same page and you`re afraid of ruining the “natural flow,” sit down and have a conversation about mutual expectations (to be clear: I don`t mean you should do it on the first date, but right now, exploring dating is becoming a kind of relationship). Here are the points I suggest you discuss: Here`s a behind-the-scenes look at the actual contract written by the San Diego Polyamory Pod family. This is a living document that has evolved with the open marriage of Kamala Devi and Michael over the past 15 years and has now spread to a dozen polyamorous lovers. If you want cliff notes on how we do polyamory and create relationship chords, there are five baselines: 1) Do no harm, 2) Practice self-love, 3) Full transparency, 3) Safer sex, and 5) Reduce the drama. This document provides details on these results as well as best practices in the 5 areas. Authenticity is what drives people to be who they are in their full expression. When we practice authenticity, we give ourselves the opportunity to reappear again and again. Being authentic when exploring the ups and downs of open relationships requires that you be aware of your experience, be honest with yourself, take responsibility for your actions, and do so in a way that preserves your integrity with yourself and with others. Simply creating an agreement on open relationship rules is a testament to a mutual understanding of our human nature and a guide of compassion for those we value most in our hearts. Also note here what you notice.
What sensations, feelings, emotions, thoughts, stories, etc. arise for you when you read the definitions of agreement and consent? How does your experience with these words change when you look at polyamorous and polyamorous relationships? Take a minute to take a mental note or write down your observation. Breathe. Well, is agreeing on the rules of the relationship a silver bullet to avoid the emotional challenges of polyamory and open relationships? Do we feel safe all day, every day of the year? Uh, no. We are people with millennia of social conditioning, triggers and traumas that perforate. But the breakthrough to return to our more natural state of love can be truly rewarding. As a starting point, here are some questions that have guided the development of the agreements I have made in the past: No processing of relationships after 9:30 am.m. If someone is upset, ask them if 1) they want a hug, 2) sit down, or 3) talk about it. When arguing, don`t say anything you`ll regret. Stop the fight by shouting: “Red Light” Stop, put off and don`t start again unless you can look into each other`s eyes and take 3 calm breaths.
Don`t make big decisions unless you`re centered, wait 72 hours after an argument. One of the first concepts I came across while reading polyamorous and consensual non-monogamy Bibles like Opening Up and More than Two was an agreement on relational rules. It is a set of boundaries or guidelines that allow anyone in an open relationship to engage with the outside world while protecting the original relationship. I will only make deals in relationships that I feel really comfortable with. If I feel pressured or forced to make a decision, it can be an immediate no, even though I may have said yes or maybe before. If I notice that I have been pushed to something, I will correct it as soon as possible. Some things that make one of them feel special in a relationship you want to share with that partner, either as a requirement of the relationship or as an exclusive part of that relationship. Any relationship requires honesty, trust, respect and open communication.
I will practice all of this. If you can`t make a deal that`s acceptable to everyone, it doesn`t mean one person is wrong – it just means that what you want is incompatible. Conversely, my agreement with Rob was short because there were a lot of unspoken expectations. Rob said he had only one rule: “If you fuck someone again, I want to know in advance.” This turned out to be a rather incomplete account of Rob, his worries and those of my Metamour, his wife Michelle (more on that later). You can do this in any way that everyone feels comfortable with. Personally, I found Google Drive to be a great tool for sharing files of all kinds, including relationship agreement documents. All BDSM agreements are concluded separately from polyamorous agreements, but follow the same limits. Instead, our agreements are based on transparency.
If a relationship gives me more anxiety or stress than I deem acceptable, I will end it to preserve my own well-being and/or that of my other relationships. .